IT'S SATURDAY AND I AM SAD

It was a perfect Saturday in the weather department. No humidity, sunny and warm.

It's Saturday and I hate Saturdays, my brother use to stop by on Saturday's unexpectedly. Not like any other time when I knew he was coming for dinner or to do laundry. So I sit and wait for him to come. I cry everyday I am so sad. When will this every end. Or maybe I don't want to stop crying because then I will forget and I don't want to forget him.

We started out early this morning doing so errands. First we went for breakfast to our favorite little breakfast place. A greasy spoon as we use to call them. It use to be a dairy bar/soda fountain type place. Just on the outskirts of the city limits, probably attached to a dairy farm at one time. None of the dishes matched and if you sit at the counter you can watch the women make, the pancakes, waffles, corn beef hash, home fries, eggs etc. Homemade bread is served with breakfast and they use it for their sandwiches at lunchtime. The best turkey clubs anywhere and this time of the year fresh made strawberry shortcake with real baking powder biscuits and real whipped cream. Just as a side note. Why do people think that complete strangers think that everyone loves their toddlers. There was this family in the little diner letting their toddler run up and down past the people sitting at the counter. The mother is chasing the child with a look on her face, not of embarrassment or concern but one of, "oh look how cute my child is." GRRRR!!!!

Then we went to Walmart to pick up a few things. I am having guests next week from Florida, my cousin and her husband. Well he is my cousin too. It's complicated. My mother was the wife's aunt and my father was the husband's uncle. Related on both sides of my family. Anyway I got some new pillows and a new quilt for our bed. I hate comforters, my husband does too. They are really useless, they only look pretty. I also bought some water goblets. I recently sold my dishes in a garage sale and replaced them with plain white and some patterns to mix and match but I had blue water goblets that I sold with the dishes.

Then we went to the bank. Then we went to this new bakery that specializes in cupcakes. We bought a dozen. One lemon, two peanut butter, two cannoli, one called sex in the city (I have no idea), two chocolate, one orange, one pineapple and one carrot cake. They were delicious, you would not want to know what we paid for a dozen cupcakes.

We came home and had lunch and then we went for a nice long ride up into the hills around the city. We do this once in a while. There are many lakes up in the hills and we like to imagine ourselfves finding a little camp type house on one of these lakes that we could buy and live there in the summer with the hopes of winterizing it and living there all year. Of course, these little houses on the lakes never go up for sale, they are usually passed down from generation to generation. I also enjoy looking at peoples homes and their landscaping.

Spent the rest of the day on the front porch just relaxing and watching the rest of the day go by. My cousin called me from her pool and asked where I was. My husband is not a sun or pool person so I didn't want to leave him today. I had been to the pool all week so I felt I could use a day away.

SKUNK!!

It started out as a sunny morning but progressed into a cloudy day. So no pool today.

Went out for breakfast before going to the grocery store. Came home and spent the day just lounging on the front porch, a nap, three games of Scrabble and delicious dinner of grilled Terryaki chicken, green bean salad, steamed rice and my neighbor brought the dessert, overly large eclairs.

Took a nice cool shower before getting into bed and I still could not get to sleep. When I did finally fell asleep I was awaken I don't know what time to the awful smell of skunk. Tonight was the first night in about three weeks that we were able to sleep with the windows open and along with the nice fresh air and a light breeze comes the smell of skunk. It smelled like it was right under the window of the bedroom. My husband wasn't bothered by it but all I could think was that my whole house was going to smell like skunk when we get up in the morning. By the time my husband got up to go to work it was gone. Maybe I was dreaming. Luckily our hunter cat was in for the night, I would not have wanted to deal with a skunked cat in the morning.

VERY HOT VERY HUMID VERY HAZY

Busy day today.

Went to my brother's first thing this morning to get more stuff moved out. We are getting closer and closer to the end of the month.

First stopped by my daughter's with bagels, fresh fruit and cream cheese and a Starbuck's coffee to get her motivated. After we motivated ourselves we headed down to his apartment. We loaded my husband's trailer up. When I first started this project I said I was not going to bring anything home and that was one of the reasons that I got my friend, my cleaning lady, to come and help me so that I wouldn't want to bring stuff home. but it was hard to part with some things, so we but those things on the trailer today. My husband took the bed apartment and this week we will bring that home. My brother's best friends is taking his roll top desk.

We loaded up and got everything home and stored on my back porch, it will stay there until I can find a home for everything. A lot of stuff is also going to be put in a garage sale. My daughter's condo complex has a community garage sale every year so we are waiting for that.

Then we were off again to a couple of furniture stores. My husband and I need a new mattress for our master bedroom bed. My brother's bed is going in the guest room. That room only has a full size bed in it now.

We also have a third bedroom that we call "MINI ME BEDROOM". After my daughter grew out of her preteen bedroom set we moved it into the smallest of the three bedrooms and set it up exactly the way her bedroom was set up, therefore the 'MINI ME BEDROOM" tag. Same quilt, bed skirt, curtains etc. And my husband even moved the shelves that he made for her room into that room. He made three dimensional bows out of wood and used them to hold a shelf that we mounted on either side of one of the windows in her room. So the little room looks just like her room when she was little. That room also has a full size bed in it.

My daughter is also looking for a leather sectional for her condo. We found a mattress that will be delivered on Tuesday and my daughter is going to special order a leather sectional when they get the dimensions for her.

After that we had some lunch and came home and just collapsed. My daughter went to watch a movie she just bought. The second in the three part series of "Twilight". And I napped on the couch.

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY LITTLE TOMMY WANTS TO PLAY

Rain all day today.

When we were little and there would be a rainy day, an all day rainy day. My mother would sing this little nursery rhyme to us.

"RAIN RAIN GO AWAY LITTLE TOMMY WANTS TO PLAY"

I thought that that nursery rhyme was written for my brother. Wow how cool was that to have anursery rhyme written for you. Well today was that kind of day and that's all I could think about was that nursery rhyme. I am sure that mother's all over the world sang this little rhyme to their children and the names were changed to fit the child.

An e mail from my brother's boss with an attachment that listed another 81 people who gave donations in memory of my brother for our church. She will be mailing me a check for the total, I can only begin to imagine what it will be.

I can't cry in front of my husband any more. I think he thinks I am going crazy. So I cry when I am alone. I can't cry in front of my daughter she would only worry about me and she is so fragile right now I can't have her worrying. So I cry when I am alone.

I pretty productive day today. I had brought some dirty linens home from my brother's apartment. Mostly sheets and towels and a couple of nice pool/beach towels. One was a white beach/pool towel with a big Ralph Laren POLO BEAR dressed like a waiter. It must have been a gift to him because I don't believe my brother would have ever bought such a towel. When I started to sort the linens for washing I almost had to hold my breath, not because they smelled bad but because the smelled like him. So I got that laundry done today including a really big thick terry cloth bathrobe I may just keep for myself. It will be really big but the bigger the better.

I got the porch floor swept and mopped that was an accomplishment and I went through a basket of receipts and personal stuff of my own that was beginning to overflow.


Confessions of a Pioneer Woman, is a blog I read on a regular basis. She posted a recipe on her page for "Muffins that Taste Like Donuts". I made them this morning and they really do. I brought a couple to my neighbor, the one I don't play Scrabble with, she just had knee surgery. And I brought a couple to my neighbor I do play Scrabble. So I accomplished that too today. I am going to try to get to know my kitchen again. Before I quit my job and before my brother died I was getting lazy when it came to cooking. For most of my married life I have always cooked for not just my family but for people coming and going. Friends of my husband's, then friends of my daughter's, my parents, my brother, my brother's friends and so on. Always cooking for someone. My husband use to joke that one night he sat down to dinner and he was sitting next to someone he didn't even know. That may happen when you have your children's friends over for dinner but this person was an adult. It happened to be a friend of my cousin. My cousin grew up with her in this city where I live but my cousin moved to Florida so she sort of befrinded us. But then my daughter grew up and moved out, my parents died and now my brother and usually it's just my husband and me for dinner. Not that my husband doesn't enjoy my cooking. But it is so much more fun when there is a bigger audience.

Just ignore the last paragraph for a moment. We went out for dinner tonight. A little Italian place where we had a nice little Italian meal of baked ziti.

So that was the accomplishments of a rainy day.

Tomorrow I will go to my brother's apartment again and plug away at getting it emptier.

TOASTY BROWN

Sunny with a little bit of clouds and a little breeze.

I was worried that this forecast would keep my pool partners from wanting to sit by the pool or in the pool. But I contacted my cousins about 11 and she said she was going because it was hot even if there was a breeze.

I had a chiropractor appointment at 9 and I was out of there by 9:15. My back is feeling really good. I stopped by the market and picked up some pepper jack cheese for slicing and some Ritz crackers and some green grapes this was the snack I brought for sitting by the pool. I also got some back for our grilled cheese, tomato and bacon sandwiches that I planned for dinner. Then I went to the post office to get 100 stamps for my thank you notes. When I got home I cooked up the bacon so it would be ready for dinner and sliced up the cheese and put it on a plate for our pool snack, put on my bathing suit and off I went.

I had to make two calls to credit card companies. My brother had two active accounts with small balances, but I got new statements in the mail the other day for both and late charges on these accounts were not too much less than the actual balances. They are going to waive the late fees and put holds on the accounts until his will is probated and I can get a hold of some funds to pay them. The one credit card company was nice enough to tell me about two automatic withdrawals that he had for EZ Pass and for XM radio, so I have to call and cancel those accounts tomorrow.

A nice day at the pool, lots of sun. I am getting toasty brown. Probably not good but it feels great. I won't have to worry when we go on our girls cruise in September that I might burn.

YEA!!! Sunny and warm today.

I got up early this morning and puttered around the house. I contacted my cousin via facebook to tell her I was definetly going to her mother's pool at about 11:30. she wrote back that she would be there by 12. So I got some stuff done around the house and packed to go. I actually left the house at 11 but stopped at the store to pick up some snacks.

It was a nice day. Warm sun and cool water. I had to leave there by 2 to get to my brother's apartment to meet up with my cleaning lady who was going to help me pack up some stuff. We accomplished quite a bit so now I am feeling better about the task of getting his stuff out by the 31st of July.

Today was three weeks since my brother died. I haven't really had a crying spell since the weekend. They say it will get easier, but who are they and what do they know. I feel guilty when I am not sad and almost like if I am not sad then I will lose the memory of him. He was mentioned in his office newsletter. He worked for a major department in the state and the newsletter would have gone to thousands of people. there was a picture of him in a golf cart with one of his golf buddies.

A CUTE LITTLE TRAILER NOT FOR SLEEPING FOR TOWING

I was all psyched to go to the pool today. I got up early finished my thank you notes, all addressed and ready to go, did some laundry and packed my pool bag. I wanted to leave the house by 11:30. I waited and waited and the sun never came out. My husband called abouot 10 to say he was leaving work. He has biting at the bit to buy a little aluminum trailor to hook on to the back of his jeep for toting stuff and this project we have cleaning out my brother's apartment has just given him enough of an excuse to have one. So today he left work early to go get one. I told him I probably would be here when he got home because, "I am going to the pool." Yea right, I was still here when he pulled up with the new trailor. So I went at gave a look see and then made us some lunch. After lunch we packed up some empty rubbermaid containers and brought them to my brother's apartment so that the cleaning lady and I will containers to pack things in.

I did load that trailor up on the way home with some things I wanted to bring home. He had a brand new platform rocker. I always wanted one but I could never find one that look good with my decor. If the cushion colors were right the wood style and color was wrong and vise versa. So this one is just going to have to work in one of my rooms.

I was in the market the other day and I almost picked up a fresh peach pie. It sounded so good. I didn't get it and it has been calling my name ever since. So tonight after ndinner my husband and I had to run to Home Depot to get some large garbage bags to use to carry stuff to Good Will from my brother's apartment. when we left there I said lets run by the market I have to get that peach pie, it has been calling for the last few days. So I did and we had a piece with some ice cream when we got home.

My daughter stopped by on her way home from work. It really isn't on her way home but she was enticed with some homemade cooking. I had leftovers from last nights spaghetti and tonight I made the Asian Orange chicken with rice. She opted with the spaghetti when she got here. I would have too.

I am off to bed. I hope tomorrow is sunny. I want to go absorb some vitamin D.

TOO BUSY FOR THE POOL TODAY

Today hot and humid again with threats of thunderstorms.

Looking back on yesterday's post I have to wonder when this is going to get easier. They say it will get easier, it is getting harder. Does it have to get harder before it gets easier.

Last week when i went to my chiropractor he said that he asked the pastor of St. Jude's church, my cousin, to say a mass for my brother today. The mass was this morning at 8 so I went and my cousin was there with me it just so happened that the same mass was being offered for her father who died two weeks before my brother. A nice coincidence. When the "church ladies", in case you don't know the terminology, is a group of ladies that go to mass every morning the same time, realized that we were there that had to come over after mass and chat with us. They seemed to know me, I didn't know them, and they knew it was my brother whom the mass was being offered for and they recognized my cousin as the sister of the pastor. So naturally they were filled with questions. They wanted to know if Father had informed us of the church picnic in August. Of course he had not but I politely and quickly interrupted my cousin when she started to say "no", of course he told us. And, would you like to come to McDonald's with us for coffee we go every morning after the mass. My cousin gave me a look and we quickly had an excuse not to be able to go with them.

My cousin and I were able to get away fairly quickly and we got to go to DD by ourselves for a quick tall iced coffee. Then we parted ways, I to the chiropractor again and she to a doctor's appointment.

After my appointment I went to the nail salon, then to the market to pick up a few things and then home where I sat myself down and was determined to get all of m "Thank You" notes at least written and in the envelopes waiting for the addresses to be placed and then stamped and mailed.

Task accomplished, now they just have to be addressed. Just as I was catching up my husband comes in the house with the mail and three more cards for me to acknowledge.

I called my cleaning lady and asked her if she had some time to come to my brother's apartment with me and help me pack up some stuff. I think this is part of the problem why I am have these meltdowns. I keep thinking about the task and I just can't handle it. She will be an unbiased set of eyes and can easily determine what I need to hold on to and what can go. She is a real "get 'er done" kind of person and I know we can accomplish a lot in a short time. She is going to meet me there on Wednesday at 2:30 and we will work until it's done. My husband is actually the one who suggested this so I am thankful for him. She and I had already come to the conclusion that she would come and do a clean sweep when i was finished cleaning it out but now I am going to use her for this purpose too.

I made a delicious dinner. Left over sausage, peppers and onions from yesterday. So I made a meatless marinara sauce. Sauteed some garlic and chopped onions in some olive oil and added a can of whole tomatoes that I had kind of squished with my hand and a can of crushed tomatoes. I let it simmer for a couple of hours and then added the left over sausage, sliced and the peppers and onions. I cooked some linguini and that was that.

MELTDOWN 1 AND 2

Sunny and a little less humid today. We did have a major storm last night. It even halted our Scrabble game on the front porch which is unheard of. We had to finish it today. We covered the car because the reports were saying that we may get hail. Some parts of our area did, like over by my daughter's condo they had 2" hail and hail 2 inches deep on the road. We had no hail. Lots of thunder and lightening and wind and sheets of rain.

I had a major breakdown this morning. We went to the market to do our usual Sunday morning grocery shopping, picked up some fresh bagels and cream cheese, came home, put everything away, sat down with a nice tall iced coffee and had my bagel. My husband offered to go to the neighborhood bakery to get us a couple of fresh donuts so I said yest. While he was gone I went into the kitchen and opened one of the drawers that holds stuff like cookies, candy, the sweet stuff. ANTS!!! It put me over the edge. I was screaming and crying and trying to find the ant spray, all the time no one is here to hear me. I pulled everything out from under the sink to find the ant spray and by the time my husband got home I was a giant puddle of tears and frustration. It doesn't take much these days to get me to that point. He calmed me down and we cleaned everything up and went on with my day.

I made a big bowl of my famous Italian Potato salad and packed up my swimming stuff and took my salad and went to my cousin's pool. It just feels good right now to be around family. They are fun and they keep my mind occupied. My husband opted to stay home.

I swam and ate and got tanner and came home by 5. My husband grilled some Italian sausage and I sauteed some peppers and onions and we invited my neighbor over for sausage, pepper and onion sandwiches. My neighbor and I had a marathon Scrabble tournament that she won and then i went to bed.

Bedtime was another story. Another meltdown and lots of tears. I was beginning to think I was going crazy but my husband assured me I am not. I have to believe him because who else am I going to trust.

A DIFFICULT AFTERNOON

Hot and humid again today. Two entire weeks without turning off the A/C. This heat wave has been going on since the day my brother died. Really strange.

Woke up this morning and actually had not pain in my back. I usually have to walk around and sit and stand and work the pain out of my hip. I think the chiropractor is helping.

I got up early this morning to get to the hair salon for an 8:30 am appointment. My husband decided to come with me so that I didn't have to go back home to pick him up so we could go to my brother's apartment and do more cleaning out.

I got there and guess what? My appointment was for 9:30. We were going to hang out but we decided to run the car wash. Got back at 9:00 and he started my color and I was out of there by 10:00 am. Stopped by my daughter's before going to my brother's apartment. Had a nice surprise for her, a frappacinno from *buck's. Spent about an hour or so at my brother's. That's about all I can handle at this time. But I am well aware that I need to get this stuff done by the 31st of July. That is what his rent is paid until.

We grabbed some lunch at my brother's favorite greasy spoon and old time dinner/ice cream place. Really old. Still has Formica counters and tables and chairs that don't match and silverware that doesn't match and dishes that don't match. The food is excellent. I had a cheese omelet with homemade white breaded toasted and my husband had a western egg sandwich with cheese on a homemade hard roll. Then my husband ordered the homemade strawberry shortcake. Real baking powdered biscuits, warmed with fresh sliced strawberries and homemade whipped cream. You can actually watch the waitress put the whole thing together, we always sit at the counter, that's where the action is. The whipped cream is served right from the stainless steel bowl it was shipped in. It sets in a bowl of ice water to keep it cool. The strawberries are in a bigger stainless steel bowl floating around in the simple syrup that was made just for them. And the stacks of fresh made biscuits are teetering on a huge plate right there behind the counter.

I had a very difficult afternoon. Saturdays were usually the day when my brother would drop in for a quick visit. He would come up on the porch and sit himself down on his favorite rocking chair and we would have long chats. I sat looking at that chair today hoping he was sitting there again. I also received a lovely sympathy card from one of his best friends of 24 years. A female friend. Someone that I think he would have married if she had not gotten married before he could pop the question. They were still very good friends and they still shared dinners, lunches and drinks after work. She was at the wake and funeral but her card was just to let me know she was thinking of him and me and that there was a hole in heart. I know the feeling I have the same hole and it is not ever going to fill back up. She sent me her e mail address so I dropped her a note to tell her I would never forget her and that I will keep in touch.

I think my difficult afternoon had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have anything to do. I have to keep busy in order to keep my mind off of things. Oh, believe me there are plenty of things to do around the house, but that sort of thing is not enough. I need to be with people and today it was only my husband and myself rattling around in the house and it was even too hot to sit on the porch.

Hopefully my neighbor and I can get together later for a game of Scrabble.

Hot and humid again today.

I had to run to my doctor's office this morning and get a script refilled for me and one for my husband. They were nice enough to call the pharmacy right away. I then stopped by the bakery and got a package of Italian cookies to take to the nursing home where I use to work. i was returning the dishes they sent full of food for us last Friday and my mother always told me never to return a plate empty.

I spent a little while with my old co-workers, catching up on what's been going on. I quickly stopped by the market to pick up some munchies to take with me to my cousin's house for snacking by the pool.

Another beautiful day to be floating around in the pool. My cousin's daughter was there too and her brother who is the pastor at the church where my brother's funeral was. I was able to give him the donations that my brother's boss gave me last night for the church. My cousin made up a nice lunch of a fritata and a big salad. it was a really relaxing afternoon.

Got home in time for my husband to get home from work and I made a nice dinner of sliced tomato, fresh leaf lettuce, tuna salad and cottage cheese.

DINNER WITH FRIENDS

Hot and humid again today. No end in sight.

This morning I had a 9:00 am appointment for a bone density test. It was a cinch, I have had them before, every two or three years I think.

Then an appointment with the chiropractor. That went well until I left and boy was my hip joint in a lot of pain.

I then met my daughter at the place where she bought the new rims and tires for her car. We left the car there and went back to her place to spent the afternoon in the pool. I thought the pool would help my hip but it seemed to make it worse. But I continued to keep moving it so it would not stiffen up. She picked up her car at 3:30 and I went home to get ready to meet up with my brother's boss and one of his co-workers for dinner.

It was such a pleasure to have dinner with them. They told me things about him that I never really new in the content of his work place. Such kind and loving people he worked with. As a matter of fact they collected over $700 from just one building in donations for the church where my brother's funeral was held. We asked for donations for the church in lieu of flowers. My cousin in the pastor of the church and he was amazed at the donations. He is going to buy some new vestments and have my brother's name memorialized in the robe. I can only wonder how much more in donations we will get.

Sitting the restaurant really did a job on my hip joint. When i got home I was in such pain. I had to take three tylenol to calm it down.

Got home and took three Tylenol and went to bed.

A ROAD UNKNOWN

Today was hot and humid with a threat of rain all day, no real storms though.

I had an 11 am dentist appointment for a filling. I met my daughter for coffee at about 9:30, we chatted for a while and she went home to start her day and get ready for a 2 pm to 11 pm shift at her store and I went to the dentist and came home to find my husband home from work early as a surprise. we went to our favorite fresh burrito place. I had a bowl of rice with chicken and he had tacos. I met with my brother's best friend to give him some papers from my brother's personal stuff and my husband and I stopped for an ice cream cone.

Got home and just kind of lounged. Napped on the couch for a bit then got up and tried to think of something to cook for dinner. We have a local Italian restaurant that jars there pasta sauce and sells it in the local supermarkets. It is very good, tastes more like my mom's sauce than any other jarred sauce. So I popped open a jar of that pasta sauce and cooked up a bag of frozen cavatelli and that's what we had. I didn't even make a salad, nor did we have any Italian bread with it.

After dinner my husband was such a sport. He knows I love to ride in the car so he suggested a drive up into the hills around our city. I am the type of person who loves to get lost. Now mind you, you could never get lost in this area. He however, is a cautious person, never likes to take a road he doesn't know where it goes. I love to take a road if I don't know where it goes. He was very brave last night and we drove through the hills and took roads we didn't know where they would lead. Of course we didn't get lost. The roads just lead right back down the hill. It was so relaxing and mind clearing. Some of the roads the foliage was so thick and the trees so tall that there was barely any light getting in, it was so cool. My husband I love him for this. We even drove down a paved road that lead right into a dirt road, if you don't think that made him nervous, well it did.

We got home just in time to see my neighbor heading my way for a game of Scrabble. Ahhh!!! if everyday could be like this. I know it will get better with time, this hole in my heart, but right now it is just aching so.

A/C SILL ON

Cloudy today with a chance of rain. No storms just rain. Still very humid. A/C has been on for about a week now.

I slept a little too late this morning. Almost 9 am. My cleaning lady was due today and usually she arrives around 10 so I had to hustle into the shower and I wanted to get the beds stripped. My hustling wasn't too fast though I am still being careful not to aggravated this hip joint. It was actually feeling better this morning. I think maybe the chiropractor helped. I will see him again on Thursday. The cleaning lady arrived at 10 and we chatted for a while, she also cleaned for my brother. She came to the wake but we never had a chance to talk. She also offered help with my brother's apartment and I think I may have her come after everything is cleared out to do a clean sweep so I can be assured that I will get his deposit back.

My neighbor came over to play a game of Scrabble while her great granddaughter took a nap and after the game was over, I won, I took a little nap while I waited for my husband to come home for work.

Nothing elaborate for dinner tonight. Grilled ham and cheese sandwiches and I got some fresh strawberries so we will have strawberry shortcake for dessert.

We may in fact get some of those storms overnight to night. I will keep you posted.

MORE VITAMIN D

A beautiful sunny day, warm a little humid no storms.

I called the chiropractor first thing this morning. I am having a terrible time with stiffness in my lower right back. Probably where the hip bone is joined to the tail bone. He could see me at 10:30. So I jumped in the car and headed to the Hallmark store where I got more Thank You cards for all of those people that were so very kind during the days following my brother's death. A lare iced coffee and a bagel to get me through until lunch. The chiropractor new exactly what I was describing to him so he worked on me a bit and I will have another appointment this week. He said movement was good for it, which I was happy about because I was headed with my daughter to the pool at her condo complex. We spent the after noon floating around and relaxing.

I left her about 3:00 and passed my house and picked my husband up and off we went to the my lawyers office. A lot of legal stuff to take care due to my brother's death.

Home I am now and tired. I am going to relax on the porch.

JUST TRYING TO KEEP BUSY

Today it was warm not not as humid as it has been. No storms in sight.

I got up early and sat on the porch with the husband and had coffee and some toast. We were invited to my cousins pool again today, this time in celebration of her daughter's 52 birthday.

So my husband and I took a quick trip to the car wash and I picked up some ham and cheese at the Italian deli just to have in case we were hungry later. Chances we would not be hungry after spending the day celebrating a birthday. I came home and made a big pan of baked beans. Another recipe from my family that I want to post some time soon. Got the beans good and hot and then we went to the pool.

Spent the entire day there floating around, eating, talking and laughing. A very good distraction and believe me if you need a distraction from something these are the people to help you with that. I sold my brother's 37" flat screen TV to my cousin's son and gave my brother's old A/C, which he wasn't even using because he had central air, to my cousin's grandson.

Came home from a busy day and relaxed on the front porch with my neighbor and a game of Scrabble. My daughter stopped by on her way home from work complaining of a cold. She was going to stay the night so mom could baby her but she remembered the cat's bowl was probably not full enough to carry her through the night so she went home.

START CLEARING IT OUT

Today was the day we decided to go to my brother's apartment and get started with clearing it out. It wasn't as painful as I thought, probably because if I have a large task like this I have a way of just getting to it and doing it with out thinking. I think about the most efficient way to tackle the task and how fast I can get it done.

We started in the kitchen. Clean ouot the fridge and all of the cabinets of any food. I wanted to get that done first therefore warding off any little critters. I t took an hour or so and after that I was ready to leave. I think the next step will be the clothes. I have had many offers of help with getting his furniture cleared out and also assistance from the rental office. They know of a lot of sutdents and such who are looking for used furniture.

A WONDERFUL MEAL FROM WONDERFUL FRIENDS WITH WONDERFUL RELATIVES

Another hazy, hot and humid day. Last night one of my co workers from the nursing home I use to work at dropped off some food. A baked ham, macaroni salad, potato salad and baked beans. The many visitors that I have had for the last week have dwindled and it was only my husband and I for dinner last night. So, I called my cousin and said, don't cook any dinner tomorrow night I am coming for food. This is the cousin, along with her two daughters, orchestrated the food fest for the entire week after my brother died. She is also the one with the pool.

So this morning I got up and packed everything up and got to her house about 11:30. I stored everything away for dinner time and we lounged in the pool and out of the pool. My husband came after work to join us for dinner, her two daughters were there with one of the daughter's husbands also arriving after work. Her son came after work and her other son, the one who is the priest and who officiated over my brother's funeral mass was there all day. We had a nice day and a nice meal, with no one having to cook. Thank you former co workers.

SAD NEWS WRITTEN BY MY BROTHER'S BOSS

It saddens me immensely to announce the passing or our dear friend and colleague, Thomas__________ . I guess I should mention that Tom has been with the with the Board for 30 years. However, as impressive as that tenure may seem, it pales in comparison to his impact upon all of us. For those few of you who never had the opportunity to meet Tom, it would be impossible to explain all that you missed. I once told him he was like the "Mayor of the Board" but corrected myself because his "reign" reached far beyond this agency. A more apt title might simply have been "brother"- not only to his beloved sister Belle, but to his expansive family of friends throughout the area and beyond. In my naivete as a new employee in 2005 I quickly realized most people had no idea who I was. However, once I told them my position, they would immediately respond with "Oh, you work with Tommy!" That gave me newfound credibility. Yesterday I lost that identity and it pains me beyond words.

MY FIRST DAY ALONE

Today was the first day since last Wednesday the day my brother died that I would be totally alone.

Wednesday, the day he died, no sooner did my husband daughter and I get home, my relatives started showing up and never left until late into the night. Bringing food, morale support and beautiful words about my brother.

Thursday, my husband was with me all morning as I went through the process of going to the Funeral Home to pick out a casket, writing the obituary for the newspaper and going over the plans for the wake and funeral, ordering flowers and even running to the mall to make sure I had something appropriate to wear. Then his friends started coming by my house as did my relatives again bringing dinner, morale support and beautiful words about my brother way into the late evening.

Friday, the wake. Hundreds of people were with me. Wonderful hugs and tears and an outpouring of morale support and beautiful words about my brother. I have to say, men are the best huggers. I can cry right now feeling the hugs around me. Picking Pall Bears was a very difficult thing. I started with six and had to ask the funeral director if there was anyway I could have more. He said I could have eight, I could have come up with 12. Home after the wake to more family and friends and food.

Saturday, the funeral. Hundreds of people again at the church, the cemetery. My cousin had opened up her home to me and encouraged me to invite whomever I wanted to come to her home for an after the funeral celebration of my brother's life. The priest who offered the funeral mass was my cousin and he had the directions to my cousins house printed in the program that was handed out at the mass. Food from so many people I can't even begin to remember, morale support and beautiful words about my brother.

Sunday, the aftershock. My husband and I went to my brother's apartment to start collecting his personal papers. My daughter and husband had gone to his apartment complex on Wednesday evening to pick up his car. We brought it all home and started the slow process of sorting and putting the pieces of the puzzle together that was his life. We rested when we got that much accomplished and my neighbor spent time with me just talking and playing Scrabble.

Monday, 4th of July. My cousin invited us to her home for a BBQ. We weren't going to go but we did and I am happy. Kept my mind occupied.

Tuesday. My husband was home with me and just sort of hung out. We were able to get my brother's phone/cable/internet service turned off and I worked more on his personal papers.

Wednesday, one week later. My daughter was off from work and my husband went back. So I spent the day with my daughter at her pool in her condo complex. A nice day.

That gets me to today, Thursday. I got up this morning and here I was alone. No job to go to and no one here to tell me what to do. So I puttered around the house. Put on my bathing suit and called me cousin and said I was coming to sit by her pool. She said great.

I did meet with my brother's cardiologist today and he answered some questions for me and cleared some things up in my head. Pulmonary hypertension is what I am told he had. I new that but I always assumed it was a result of too much fluid around his lungs but the fluid was a result of the pulmonary hypertension. Bottom line his lungs were under a great deal of pressure and he wasn't getting enough oxygen to them.

Tonight the girls at the nursing home where I use to work sent over dinner. A baked ham, pot salad, mac salad and baked beans.

MY HEART HAS A HOLE IN IT AND I AM AS SAD AS I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

The last time I made an entry on this blog I mentioned I was going to sit with my brother on a Wednesday morning while he had an intravenous lasik treatment at the hospital. He was being treated for fluid retention around his heart and lungs. Basically congestive heart failure. A number of visits to the ER and three or four days at a time spent in the hospital and they still could not figure out what was going on. He also has poor kidney function so they had to be very careful treating the fluid because it would effect the kidneys.

I left my house on Wednesday morning and went to get a quick manicure and then I headed up to the hospital to meet with him and spend the three hours it would take for the treatment. When I got to the hospital he wasn't there. The receptionist at the front lobby called the treatment area and he was not there. They didn't tell me whether he had missed his appointment or it had been changed. I wasn't too concerned, it could have been changed. So I started calling him on his cell phone and driving toward his apartment. Because he lived on the first floor, when I got there I noticed that the blinds where open and the windows. It was a cool morning so I figured he had gotten up and opened everything to get some air flow. I looked in the one window and I could see straight through to the kitchen and the other window and could see straight through to the bathroom, but I didn't see him. I called to him, range the door bell, knocked. The front door was ajar a little but the storm door on the outside of the apartment was locked so I could get in. A maintenance man came to me and asked what was going on, I told him. He immediately went to the main office of the complex and came back and told me that the manager told him to let me in immediately. He went around back of the apartment because we thought maybe my brother was in the laundry room. He came through the apartment and opened the door for me. I asked if he saw my brother and he said no. I went into his bedroom and there he was on the floor right beside the bed in the only area of the apartment where I could not see through the windows. I screamed to him. I touched his face. He was cold. I slapped him, I pounded on him, nothing. The maintenance man called the lifeguard at the pool, but we all knew there was nothing we could do. He also called 911. They came and hooked him to a heart monitor, nothing. The Medical Examiner came and it was final.

The maintenance man who was a total stranger, then became my best friend. He held me and tried to calm me while the whirlwind of activity started around us. I can still smell the fresh cut grass on his shirt, the lawn mower oil and gas and his cigarettes. He shirt was soaking wet by the time I was able to calm down. Not from sweat but from my tears. I screamed into my cell phone for my husband, who rushed to me with his very old jeep like a brand new car running a NASCAR race. I had to phone my daughter, she was at work. I spoke to one of her girls at the store and gave her a heads up. I didn't even know the young lady. I said I was sorry to have to do this to her. She was strong and brave and held my daughter's hand until my husband got there to pick her up. At this point I was alone, standing outside his apartment while the police and defective and ME did their thing. They had to take pictures, count pills and make reports. Each and everyone of them came to me a intervals to make sure I was alright and needed anything. My daughter arrived with my husband and we held each other and cried and not much longer after that the funeral director came. A very good friend of the family. He took over and I then knew I didn't have to worry about anything. I will do an entry soon about the week that followed. An amazing week with amazing people. I will never ever leave this place and the people I love and who love me. It's been one week. They say the pain will ease. I fell no easement

At some point in time I will also do an entry about my brother. It will be very long. I can't do it now.

I am meeting with his cardiologist tomorrow to try and get some closure. Because he was a heart patient his doctor agreed to sign a death certificate without and autopsy. I totally agreed.

I will also do an entry soon about the week that followed. An amazing week with amazing people. I will never ever leave this place and the people I love and who love me. It's been one week. They say the pain will ease. I fell no easement.